I have no fear now. Not of failure in any case. Maybe of success.
Why is it when you want to do something good, oh so much! Something bad seems to take over.
Or when you want to look your best and suddenly you look like crap. I can tell myself over and over again that I am beautiful, that my body is different but not ugly and then I step out there and I know that what people are seeing is my “ugly spirit” (that’s a steal from William S Burroughs if anyone’s interested though heaven knows I’m not as screwed up as him poor dear). The one inside me I don’t want to be there, that I definitely don’t want to be seen, but the one that is always there and always will be there, the one that is always seen.
It’s too easy to say it’s their problem if they can’t see beyond the obvious. But why is it so bloody obvious when I don’t want it to be. Oh stop it.
Sorry. I so wanted this machine and me to change the world and I can’t even change me.
I’m going to keep trying. I’m not giving up and I can feel the moment of change really close at hand, when I’m there, and I know that a lot of people see it too. But then it’s over and I walk away and I don’t look back, because I know that’s important, but then I’m still around, still here, nothing’s changed, nothing’s moved on really. The machines beautiful and just what I dreamt so I start thinking it’s me and all that ‘Ugly Spirit’ stuff and maybe someone else could make it leave and maybe I’m just here to deliver it. A Jane the Baptist courier.
But like I say. That’s OK, I have no fear of that. Of failing. Nobody said this was gonna be easy. Maybe it’s not for me and my lesson is that. But what worries me is maybe I’m not making it work cause I don’t want it to finish, not just yet, maybe me and old ‘Ugly’ cant bear to be parted.
Oh. I don’t know. Here’s another piccy. Me, The Ugly Spirit and Sputnik (an unholy Trinity!) at Greenwich. Scary. The crowds are getting bigger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stockton on Tees next. Never been. Looking forward to it.
Sorry if this has been a bit of a moan.
Love
Jane and Ugly xx
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